I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Randomize
