Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
