i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize