News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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