All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
