When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
