They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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