dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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