i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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