i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
