If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
