i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
what day is it and did you see me today?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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