Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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