I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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