Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
