Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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