can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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