he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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