when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
