some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
