well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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