Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
