She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
