Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize