My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
