sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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