3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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