pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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