And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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