I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
