the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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