I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
