I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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