Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
