I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
