defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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