there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize