someone get that fucking seahorse.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
