Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
