I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
