i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
im having a threesome with these popsicles
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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