forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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