Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
