I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
