before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
