im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
