New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
