I just cut my nipple shaving
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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