Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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