she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
They took my balls.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
