trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
