I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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