You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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