There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
