my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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