He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
