I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
