That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
