I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
