Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
