I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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