Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
