Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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