I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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