Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
