Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
