Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
