the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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