If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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