mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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